My knight in shining armor rode a camel.

For as long as I can remember, I always wished I’d meet someone- just like in the movies – someone who’d sweep me off my feet and knock my socks off. The kind of infatuation that’s got such an intensity, it will shake the core of my inhibitions and unlock all of my fantasies, the kind of love that will take me to the highest highs and the lowest of lows. However, I grew up in a family of very independent, strong-willed women with not much successful love stories to impart me with, other than how to handle men. So I went along tucking my girly wishes away. I was an undercover hopeless romantic (full-time), a modern day damsel in distress secretly wanting to find a man stronger than I am, hoping he’d unravel the “Stepford wife” in me. They say if you want something so bad, you just have to dream… and the universe will conspire to give you what you desire immensely. This was my dream. Maybe because I watched too many fairy tales as a young girl, or it could be the fact that I played with my Barbie until I was 13. So daydream I did, for most of my adolescent years… well, luckily or sometimes unfortunately, the universe had been so generous with me. I was open and finally, lightning did strike.

I remember coming home January 9th 2007, after my first trip to Dubai feeling so alive. I had a window seat at the farthest end of the plane, there was a delay of about an hour before the plane took off and I sat there with this sheepish smile on my face; I was ecstatically happy, for the first time in my life knowing exactly what I wanted to do, and wanting everything in my power to fulfill it. I came home to my empty apartment, feeling like I’ve lived an empty life. I went on my dailies, grueling work hours, brunches here, a few cocktails there and it just never felt the same. I was not the same. My heart was somewhere else, and everyday just signified a day away from the new life awaiting me. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I threw caution to the wind, quit my job, sold half of my closet, announced to my family I’m moving to Dubai, and bid my dearest of friends goodbye. No one could stop me, I was so certain, so determined, using the metaphorical phrase “I jumped” or “took the plunge” would not suffice, I’d have to say, “I flew”! I figured fate had done its job, and it was my turn to chase after the probability of the grandest love of my life. And it was… everything I expected and more.

A love that taught me well.

I believe that we are only entitled to one great love in our lives. Now I know why they say it’s usually the first time, although not literally your first boyfriend, but rather the first time you love truly… which is in most cases, the one that caused you the greatest amount of pain. The first time we experience that kind of love, the kind that extends us; changes us and doesn’t leave us quite the same. The kind that goes on, like it was the first day, the first kiss, the first moment… even if it has ended long ago. When you wake up and realize that you genuinely care for someone else’s well being, wanting to nurture someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s just me; maybe unselfishly loving someone didn’t come naturally to me. It was always about what I can get, out of my relationships. And for the first time, I woke up everyday, thinking of what I can give. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and I thought, “So this is what it’s like. I’ve become a woman, and this is the man I would like to stand and care for, despite and in spite of...” I watched myself turn into the person I wanted to be: The kind that forgives despite tremendous pain, the kind that overlooks flaws, lovingly submits to faults, the kind that continues to love despite having spent endless nights lying in bed praying for my heartache to end. I realized so many things about myself, things I never thought I could be, but rather was surprisingly capable of being. And for the first time in my life, I was content - the one fulfillment I have never experienced.

The heart is incredibly resilient.

But my fulfillment didn’t last. And it took me painstakingly long to figure out why. After crying my eyes out for months on end, and drowning myself in regrets until I stunk (quite literally). The answers came to me, like Picasso’s grand masterpiece; in patches - something you’ll never figure out if you look too closely, but instead you’d have to take a few steps back to understand the whole picture. Other than the most obvious reasons, I was mainly so intent on keeping my dream fulfilled I kept on his trail without having realized, we were not headed towards the same destination all along. As I happily witnessed myself turn into something I’ve always dreamed of, I completely disregarded the person I was before. Almost like learning how to skate, finding out you’re quite excellent at it and willingly having both your arms chopped off, in exchange of keeping this new found talent (I’m quite good with metaphor eh?). Well, now that I know I can rock the rink, I’m keeping my body parts intact.

“Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance." It does not bind. Its not supposed to scar you for life, cripple you or disable you. Instead it’s supposed to fill your heart, to a point that it brings you in utter awe at how capable you are of giving more without apparent gain. I may not feel the same intensity again, I may not have my socks knocked off the second time around, or maybe I will never again attempt to fly on cliffs. Still I vow to always love like it’s the first time. I can only improve on myself, but I cannot change the way I’m built. I found who I am from the inside, and I am built to love this way… without precautions. I learned how to give, and now I know how to love genuinely; that makes all the difference.

Love is as love does.

You do get what you give in return. I would like to think I paid my dues. I pray that I have given back, enough to be granted a clean slate. I learned my lesson, and what a consequence it was. In return, I became so much more. I have become an optimist, and even more unafraid. Fate is smarter than I am, it doesn’t take the day off or long lunch breaks, its job is never done. No matter how I try to steer the wheel, the road always takes me in another direction. I may chase after the things I want, take great risks, and get a firm grip on opportunities, but I have come to my senses; that the course of my life will always be bigger than I am. And that happiness is not something you go after, it’s something you should have with you in the first place, before embarking on any journey.

So despite experiencing the lowest of lows and having the most difficult of times, I think back with the deepest sigh in my heart. I loved. Without limits, without boundaries, even without reasoning, it was just I, and my heart alone. It was the most liberating experience in my life. And I highly recommend it to you.

Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me...

When you think back on the year that passed, and it doesn't bring you tears of either joy or sorrow -- consider it wasted.

And it was just that; such immense joy that can only be found within the bosom of agonizing despair. After losing two people due to tragic death last year, I realised that grief takes in many forms for the many different loses in our lives. Death is an actual occurrence wherein grieving is given to you as an opportunity, and unlike in the absence of death, grief for a loss- of either a connection or relationship with people whose life goes on without you- is a decision you make on your own. I found no sanctuary for all the grievances that was bestowed upon me; for wanting, in my heart of hearts, to say more and do more...

"Because I could not stop for Death, he kindly stopped for me. The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality."

If there was anything I learned, I think it would be that our hearts mourn only because it had so much to give, and by trying to protect ourselves from the pain of which we thought loving can cause- eventually fate would take time by hand, and all our imprisoned affection will turn into sorrowful regrets. Because the day we believe that the mind is actually above every emotion that flows within us; the day we imprison our hearts, thinking its the smarter way to live... to me, is the only real occurrence of death.

Pinoys got crabs.

Crab mentality that is.

I feel blessed to have friends who genuinely wish me well, are sincerely happy for my triumphs, and are there to comfort me at my downfall. There are things about myself that I’m not very proud of, and my flaws I’m quite sure can put Mt. Everest to shame. But if there is one thing I can say I know in my heart is true, it would be that I have good friends because I AM a good friend. Okay, so maybe I’m stingy and I won’t let you get away from that 50bucks you owe me last Tuesday, BUT I will however stay up ‘til wee hours (or days) to ease your broken heart and tell you you’re pretty even when your mascara runs, and I will never tell a soul about that one night you made out with your cousin. I feel bad for good people (like me) who gets used, put down, or stabbed in the back by these envy parasites who are so insecure and unhappy with their lives (therefore could not be happy for others), that I decided to put this out and equip my good friends (that’s you) on how to spot a crab dead on.

Crab bite is a real itch.

If you can’t be happy for your friends’ success or hot boyfriend, honey, you’re a crab. (Go to the palengke where you belong). In a place where people strive to make their dreams happen, struggle to attain their goals, where everyone hopes to make it on their own, competition is fierce… and chances of finding a real Filipino friend in a foreign land is as slim as your virginia cigarettes.


Here are 24 things I learned at 24:

1. If a friend can’t give you 1 decent compliment, yet can criticize you well. Run.
2. Once you hear a friend apparently said foul things about you, don’t say anything back. Confront.
3. Now, this is a tricky thing- If your friend denies, here’s where your gutt feel should come in. If she admits and apologizes, forgive.
4. The second time it happens. Ditch and learn. (now chant with me: crab, crab, crab, crab. crab..”)
5. Pick your battles wisely. Some issues that are too petty, shallow and cheap are meant to be laughed at.
6. Pick your friends wisely. Some friends that are too petty, shallow and cheap… are petty, shallow and cheap people. Leave them alone. (Refer to no.7)
7. “Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who are”… there’s a pretty valid reason why this saying never dies.
8. “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer”… is something a crab with a PHD would say.
9. Just because she can’t keep a secret, doesn’t mean she’s a crab. Some people just can’t. Don’t tell her anything you don’t want the nation to know.
10. A self-centered, attention-hog friend is NOT a crab. This is more of a personality disorder that can be tamed.
11. “Good-weather-friends” can be good friends. “Bad-weather-friends” (a.k.a friends who cry with you, knows your deepest darkest secrets and listens to your disillusionment) CAN BE crabs.
12. You should know the difference between Jealousy and Envy.
13. If you don’t. Go get a dictionary.
14. Being envious when a friend tells you good news about herself MAKES you a crab. (Don’t worry, there are ways to un-crab you, if you’re willing to change, but that’ll be a whole other post on its own.)
15. Being jealous of your friends 25-inch waist line does NOT make you a crab. (Who doesn’t want a 25-inch waist??)
16. Crabs will give you false compliments. To keep you looking ugly.
17. Crabs can cause you to hate your boyfriend. Misery loves company.
18. Crabs will never set you up on a date with her hot guy friend.
19. Crabs will not give you referrals of any sort. They like to keep good things to themselves.
20. Crabs don’t know what discretion means. They will say anything to make them selves look good. (Or just better than you)
21. Some things are to be forgiven. Sleeping with your friend’s boyfriend is not one of them.
22. Sleeping with your friends’ ex/fling/date/brother, does NOT make you a crab. It makes you a slut.
23. Talking about your friend who slept with your ex/fling/date/brother, MAKES you a crab. (Get it?)
24. In Manila: Out of every 4 girlfriends, one of them is a crab. In Dubai: Out of every 4 girlfriends, only one of them is NOT a crab.

10 things I miss about Pinas

1. Anna, Carla, Anton, Miki, Jorge and Lolo Edu
I miss these people dearly and daily. I miss pestering them for the most part. I realized i can have all the friends i want (due to my undeniable charm), yet when it comes down to it there is nothing quite like having a handful of good quality friends. And I HAVE good quality friends; Friends you can have decent, substantial conversations with. Friends who enjoy the same things like you do (say, razons and cheap wine?). Friends WHO GETS YOU (my sense of humor really isnt that complicated, some people just aren't that smart). Friends who can tell me i'm full shit, i'm spoiled, i'm maarte straight to my face (or well, sometimes thru text). Friends whom i share "barok moments" with and laugh about it (because being barok IS funny). Friends I can smoke a cig with, and actually enjoy it.

And most specially, friends who understand the importance of a decent manicure.

2. Jennie and Ida
And just when i thought i am the most dramatic, self-absorbed girl on the planet, God gave me friends whom I can spend hours over-dramatizing even the most mundane things on earth.. just so we have a reason to spend brunches, late lunches, and a glass of wine in the midst of boring weekday afternoons.

3. Nescafe Ice in the morning (because im too cheap to buy figaro everyday)
This is work-related. This is my "work-redbull". I do miss going to work. Can you imagine? Yah, I am THAT homesick.

4. Lighting a cig with Anne and Michelle in P5 (like 10 times a day)
If not for them i can't even imagine how boring work-life would have been. Smoking and gossiping, how can we do without it?

5. Las Villas
Needless to say besides having my family there, my friends are 10 minutes away or less than a 50peso cab ride away. And then there's the walkable tsiendesitas and razons (altho i don't walk).. it's HOME.

6. Anna's house and everybody in it.
Even yaya ana, i miss yaya too.. oh, and buster... and that huge daga who loves scaring the shit out of all of us for kicks.

7. Walking down paseo (seriously i walk)
For a quick lunch, a drinking session at jen and loui's, or a late night at 121. I miss being able to walk to and from my flat safely and freely (by freely i mean in shorts), without having to worry if some sexually-repressed foreign guy is about to pull over.

8. Kani Mango Salad at UCC in paseo center
Just because. Gone are the days when i can afford to burn 400bucks on coffee and salad, just because... i'm bored and i considered coming down from my flat via elevator and walking across the street exercise. And I'd convince myself that eating alone in public is liberating and therapeutic even if it means i have to charge this 'spiritual journey' to my credit card. Aaah the luxuries i took for granted.

9. ZARA
There's zara in dubai i know this, sherlock. But it just not quite the same. First of all, its hard to shop when the sales people dont know you coz you won't be able to reserve an item for more than a day, and in Manila(i mean glorietta and powerplant) i get the priveledge to stall them for 3 days til i make up my freaking mind, which means convincing myself to go broke. To an impulsive-highly-in-debt shopper like me, RESERVATION IS VITAL. Besides, zara shop here is filled with snotty, big-breasted women with serious silicone injected lips... i stand in line with them looking like a lolita (what an ego boost).

10. Being able to afford a manicure or a day at the spa
I know this sounds irritating and a bit spoiled. But seriously, my ingrown and kalyos(plural form) are a major issue. Try walking or better yet dancing in this state, and you'll realize that this is a serious subject. Anything that disables you physically should never be taken lightly. Now with that said, can i afford to spend 1,300pesos weekly on a freaking manicure and pedicure? No. And speaking of spoiling myself rotten, i had to make do with the 15-minute massage stall they set-up right smack in the middle of the mall, where indians line up to watch you being rubbed as your ass wiggled. It's tragic.

P.S.
Despite being broke and missing these little luxuries and cheap thrills, truth be told i've never been happier :) Leaving home and embarking on this path is by far the biggest risk i ever took in my life and is my most liberating experience to date. If there is anything I wished i can take with me wherever i go, it would be my best friends. I feel almost uncertain i'd find anything as good as them.. (i'm not drunk).

the 6-month roll

This by far, is the most staggering year of my fast-paced life. So much has happened, that I just found it hard to sit still and take everything in... let alone blog about it. My friend shared with me what she calls “life's 6-month-roll”: According to her whatever situation/drama we are in at present, in 6 months time we'll be over it and laugh at ourselves as to why we even delved in such predicament - but that's for most people, in my case however, it only takes 3. She was right. I get over things fast. I move on too quickly... too quickly that even I am having a hard time trying to keep up with myself.

Fighting the good fight.

When is a break up really a break up? I’m the girl who cried, “it’s over” too many times perhaps that I have to come up with another break up term all on its own.

How can one person drag you to your lowest low one minute, then lift you up to your highest high the next? The fights are bad, the worst I had even… yet making up makes it double worth.

I wrote this draft four months ago, supposedly my long over-due entry. But I found it hard to finish this story…
because the story never ends...

“ The second misconception about love is the idea that dependency is love. There is no choice, no freedom involved in your relationship. It is a matter of necessity rather than love, when love should be the free exercise of choice. Two people love each other, only when they are quite capable of living without each other yet they choose to live with each other.” – The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck


I’ve been contemplating this thought for days. I’ve cried buckets most nights. The defenning silence of my apartment and the resounding regrets in my head had been unbearable… and the worst part was that I couldn’t share it with anyone - The worst part was the disguise.

Again I’m being vague, it pains me that even in this blog I am restricted to set my thoughts free. I guess that’s why I run out of words to write these days, I have gotten used to keeping all my thoughts and experiences to a fence.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the hardest part is waking up.

You were the only one in my life this past year that I had shared my thoughts with. Ironically, I have moved out of my parents house to declare independence, only to find myself dependent on you.

Now everything in me, is you.

I know this pain and loss will not hinder me from moving on, this deep wound you left me with will not turn into bitterness or anger, that despite this heartache I can still wish you well… and most of all that I can love and trust in myself again.

As I’ve tried to search my old self the past few days, through my past, through old friends, through old photos… I realized that it’s no longer who I am. I realized it had only been a year yet these changes have been so palpable and drastic. Most importantly, I realized I can’t change back. Simply because all my life’s lesson-learned will come to waste and all I can do from here on, is move forward.

As this year is about to face its end, as this year will eventually resurrect itself as a past, as the New Year unfolds… here comes my 6th month roll; I am once again beginning a new chapter in my life.


A chapter without you in it.

thursdays are made of these

me: ans, what time is it?
ana: uh.. (checks her fone)
ana: err.. 2pm..
me: oh god. oh god... OHHHH GOD!

it was a thursday. it was a weekday. oh, and i remembered i had work. i had a meeting in an hour, supposedly two applicant interviews to complete for the day which i had to finish before i rush to the jobsite at 6 (that leaves me only a remaining 4 hours to complete it all). now at any normal day it would've been easy, i'm used to doing things under pressure. but on a day when you've just gotten home past 5am, wasted more than half the day dozing off, woken up to a serious hang-over and a bad stomach-- it was a triathlon for the handicapped.

here goes my fighting spirit. i jumped off the bed (like some major bed bug bit me in the ass), cursing myself as i put on my bright blue sequined zara t-shirt, washed out jeans and matching blue havaiannas (how can i forget to bring work clothes with me? i shouldve known this would happen). i called for a cab and headed to rockwell, and as i arrived in my oh so-fashionably-trashed ensemble, un-showered, unwashed-greasy-hair with no make-up (thank god for bug-eyed glasses!), my officemates didn't know wether to be upset with me for being late or pitty me for looking like something died-- i prefered the latter. saying i looked like shit would be an understatement.

Plan A: act like something terrible happened.

like an accident, or that i stayed up all night with a dying friend. so as i walked my way to starbuck's glassed doors, i headed to our lil 'judgement' coffee table.. and like the perennial liar and the good actor that i am, i started psyching myself on my big scene-- try to look as sad, helpless, and pitiful as possible. crying would be a good thing right now-- think sad thoughts. in my head it was all in slow motion (this might be due to my hangover)... i came over ever so slowly trying hard not to make eye contact, determined to look like the poor victim of sorts, rehearsing my first lines in my head.. and just as expected, as soon as i sat down somebody asked--

"what happened to you..."

i let out a dramatic sigh (for effect) as i slowly glanced accross the table... my boss motioned for me to take my huge sunglasses off (i hate it when he does that, he knows i can't look him straight in the eye when i'm lying!) so i did. but just before i could say a word...

"you went to embassy last night! "
i go-- "huh?" act innocent not deaf. act innocent dammit.

this nosy bitch beside me gave me a wry smile. she said it so loud you'd think she was a barrista handing out a latte to somebody named embassy.

Plan B: go hysterical and cry.

most people don't know how to react when this happens. and before they even get to prod they'll feel sorry for accussing me of clubbing on a week night and coming to a management meeting so late.. like im that irresponsible?? good plan. but before i could execute plan b (a.k.a desperate measures), she pointed at my right wrist...

F*&K!!! there it was, mocking me... i still had the club's logo stamped on my wrist!

great. not only was i clearly proven irresponsible and unprofessional infront of my boss and 4 other people i work with.. now they all know i haven't taken a bath!

and then, i was really about to cry.

filipino pride? give me some of that.

my first hate mail.

I cringe at the thought of this guy's ignorance. so for those folks who still think filipinos are up in the mountains, living in trees-- this one's for you.

we got all the culture you need.. and we get wild on ;)

"Who cares about what your country is named, its just known for little people with spanish names trying to be americans and prostitutes anyway. What is important is that your showing great dishonour to our cousins from the faroe islands. They have more culture than you wannabe polinesian spanish american muslim crossbreeds. Your trying so hard to be black americans. I bet you use slang and listen to 50cent. You have no fucking culture. You people are DWARFS. take yourself out of the Faroe Island myspace. You were eating people before the spaniards came and now you are mentaly colonised by america and you try so hard to be from "da" hood, your fucking pathetic. Do not answer me back, your discusting!"

First of all, it's disgusting. Second, it's polinesian-spanish-american-catholic crossbreeds. Third, screw you. What greater insult is there than to have a non-cultured, people-eating-dwarf speak better english than you? I can point five grammatical errors in your well-thought-composition faster than you can say "y'all", my fourth grade niece can fucking write better. I understand that your primary goal was to insult, but sadly your efforts (due to your lack of wit) fell short. It failed to strike a cord and did too little to push my 'racist' button.

All you did was amuse me, pink skin.

life's a pool of girl fun

this post goes out to two of my best friends: ana & carla :)
with whom i've spent wednesday nights with;
with whom i share good times & drunk thoughts with;
here's to us.. *cheers*







one for the books
(blonde edition)






anna: you have to watch that show prisonbreak. that guy is really hot!
carla: what's it about?
anna: you know.. a guy.. trying to break out of prison..
anna: like, that's why.. prison - break?

carla: im watching this show pinoy big brother..
me: i saw it the other night too..
me: hey, imagine if that was us!
carla: oh no..
me: our black roots gonna grow! (gasp)

me: carls let's head out, i wanna dance
carla: no, let's stay here in the vip.. all the E-G-I-L-I-B-L-E guys are here
me: what?!
carla: E-G-I.. L-I-L-I-B-L-E guys are here..
me: (laugh) ELIGIBLE! (laugh) what are you on?
carla: look, i took v's ok!

mikee: it took you guys 3 hours to get dressed?!
anton: we've been waiting!
ana: sorry..
me: it takes 3 hours to look like this!
carla: we wanted you guys to be proud of us!

me: i'm just not that into him.. i'm gonna use my "i was a battered child" excuse..
me: like, you know..
me: i was a battered child..?
ana: and?!?
me: so i can't commit!
me: see the 'psychological' connection?

i wanna come home

hiatus (a long one)

once again i'm relying on blog theraphy. for some reason this transition had not been easy at all, but i gotta give myself credit, for i don't think anyone could have gone through so much change as well as life-altering decisions as i have in a span of four months.. and still be able to put her dancing shoes on.

i'm in a totally different place in my life than i thought i would be at 23, both literally and figuratively speaking. if this was a reality tv show, the title "ambush makeover" would fit it perfectly. honestly, my therapeutic need to share this whole experience, to write it down like i used to- gather my thoughts, put them in words, and psycho-analyze myself after this whole writing process.. scares the shit out of me. hence, my blogging-hiatus. first of all, i feel like i can no longer speak freely since i had put this blog 'out there' and people i know in real life actually reads this.. second, well.. that's just about it. i'm in a completely different phase that at times i just feel like no one could possibly relate. scared shit to be judged, stereotyped, and scrutinized by the very people i love and whose opinions mean the world to me.. i just deal. with only a cigarette in hand (my faithful companion, who gives me unconditional love) i walked on blindfolded.. to a path so surreal yet realistictly excruciating at the same time.

it was last december when i finally moved out. i said goodbye to our house, my home, my family.. and my old life. it had not been a good transition. this society has brought us up in such a constraint way that if one decides to live life on her own, with or without her parent's concent or approval, she's deemed lewd, selfish and ungrateful. i was blistered with so much guilt that i seriously considered seeking professional help by counselling in order for me to move on. i've been held back for so long, i was desperate for an escape.. it was time to do things on my own. i told myself, I will no longer live another day and have somebody else to blame for the decisions i made. it's just me from now on.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...

new year came to me in bare anticipation. like faded hope of a withering soul. after my first christmas without my family, i thought things would only get worst and i was definitely not looking forward to my nearing birthday. i was blamed for a lot of things, one for each heartache and one for the unrepairable strife i had caused. and i took it all in, i knew i was to blame. the pain of having to start to live each day without the people you've drawn love and support from all your life was just as painful as mourning for a loved one's loss, (in my case make that five). i grieved at the thought of not waking up beside my baby brother again, not hearing him laugh every morning, the last memory of my sunday dinner with the whole family, no longer having a sister to share late night stories with, and losing the best support team any aspiring girl could have (my stepdad, my uncle and my dad). but i had to make that decision.. in order not to lose myself.

"FAR BETTER IS TO DARE MIGHTY THINGS. TO WIN GLORIOUS TRIUMPHS, EVEN THOUGH CHECKERED BY FAILURE. RATHER THAN RANK WITH THOSE POOR SPIRITS WHO NEITHER SUFFER MUCH, NOR ENJOY MUCH-- FOR THEY LIVE IN THE GREAT TWILIGHT THAT KNOWS NEITHER VICTORY NOR DEFEAT..."

this was shared to me by a good friend.. of how she was afraid to take risks. i read this line, and i take pride that i'm not-- that i take risks in life. that i have come into terms with myself about making mistakes, about learning from them, and making peace with unsolicited regrets. i have accepted the fact that most people would not understand my decisions. that most people would rather believe gossips, would rather rely on their suspicions, and would be so quick to judge as if they know what it's like to be me. ultimately, you want somebody who's on your team, whom you feel you can face the world with. and when you find people who truly understand you, you can't have anything less than that- and despite losing a dozen friends, and a whole family of five.. i have gained exactly just that- a few people i can count on. a few people who understands. a few people i can trust.. it was all that i needed.

champagne kisses.. caviar dreams

this new life has taken me in all directions. i feel like a new born child, awakened to both learn and explore. there's so much about the world i have yet to discover, so much about life i have yet to experience. my job has allowed me to grow both professionally, and as an individual going through major changes in life. i realized you'll never really know what it is you want in life unless you've seen what's out there.

in such a short time this opportunity has allowed me to travel to two countries and 5 different cities-- and even though a huge part of me is grieving, another part of me had never felt more alive. i never knew that traveling could be such great form of spiritual awakening, both of the mind and soul. i took the moment of being in an unfamiliar place a time to reflect and re-asses, of what it is in my life that really matters and what importance is that to the world. and the answer i found was-- me. what matters in my life is me-- as long as i keep an open mind about things, as long as i can put my life in perspective, as long as i don't let anyone's negativity bother me, and most importantly, as long as i don't cast judgement on others.. then i am happy. it feels good to be freed from all this.. and the endless possibilities of what i can do for the future and the wisdom that i can impart on my future kids had been the will that kept me going.

home is where the heart is. i'm getting there.

trance

A hypnotic, cataleptic, or ecstatic state...
Detachment from one's physical surroundings, as in contemplation or daydreaming...
A semiconscious state, as between sleeping and waking; a daze.

i'm a child of the universe and the world is my playground. (warning: more insane thoughts below)

I felt that something big was ahead of me. I dreamed that i'll be doing great things. I wanted to change the world, my family, my life... myself. It was all a dream. What I have learned the last 6 weeks some people would never have learned in their lifetime. I know I know, you’re thinking this sounds all too dramatic… but the truth is, it just is.

I never was religious nor spiritual… not at all. I had always been this analytical, matter-of-fact kind of person. If I was uncertain, I am most unlikely to get swayed right away. But then again, I often thought I was open-minded… up until I came across something that was beyond my comprehension, something that protests every logical thought in me. We often dismiss a lot of things as ‘weird’ only because we deny ourselves of truly exploring that realm. Or if I may be blunt, our narrow minds and superficial lives paralyzes our innate ability to comprehend. If you look around, the world really is bigger than you can imagine- now we have heard of this so many times, but have we really thought about it? Have you?

A parallel universe they say. What do they exactly mean by that? I fuss over and pray to God that my favorite pair of designer shoes goes on sale this season, while at that exact moment a 6 year old kid somewhere in Iraq prays to the heavens as he bleeds to death from 8 gun wounds – that’s what it means. As we go on our lives, the other part of the world tries to recover theirs… if I actually try to count and analyze just how many people there are in this world, on this parallel universe… I am humbled by the realization that I am merely a fraction of something much, much bigger than me.

Yes, I never thought about it. I’m not ashamed to admit that. My open-mindedness goes only as far as cultural norms, the constraints held by our religious society, ridiculous idealism with regards to the sanctity of marriage, individualism, dating, sex, and fashion do’s and don’t. But we live to learn. And to learn means humbling yourself enough to accept that there are things you don’t know; things that are beyond your knowledge, education, life experiences, social status… or even way beyond the capacity of what your mind can grasp. But you accept it anyway. Because we’re human, and we have limitations… to simply profess that we rule this planet is absurd- I bet you can make God laugh at that thought.

Spirits, third eye, sixth sense… movie titles to me. If this is a parallel world, if this is a parallel universe of different dimensions, different time zones, different lives, creatures and souls… why not spirits? Why not the unseen? I only believe in a few things… I believe there is an almighty God and I believe people come into your life to leave some kind of imprint on you- Now, I believe this too, may be God’s way.

“You’ve only lived 22 years in this world, who are you to say that such things which have been written and told way before you were born is of no existence? These stories have been around longer than you. When the time comes, you too will pass... people may have not seen you live, but it doesn’t change the fact that you did. And a story about you and your life goes on.” - this is by far the biggest imprint I’ve had.

I believe in possibilities now. I believe that there are things on this world I will never figure out, things that I can’t prove by reading textbooks or searching the internet. Uncertainty is a matter of comprehension; doubt is a matter of faith. I am just as uncertain as you are if the spiritual world, the kingdom of heaven (or the dark side if you'd like to call it) even existed, but I don’t doubt that in time it will all be revealed to me.

That makes all the difference.