dating & relationship auto-biography.
Currently, I feel like i'm living an episode off of the movie bridget jones' diary. I know I should have never gotten involved with somebody at work in the first place. This relationship has been a series of melodrama-train-wreck since the beginning. I had all the big warning signs.. emotional threats paired with red lights.. and like a bee to a honey, i went ahead and dove in. Even craved for more. I somehow found this whole rollercoaster ride and the drama to that effect, indeed very appealing. And in like most of my relationships, i'm out of it before the story ends.
But not this one, i'm stuck in this story. How can I take time to break away when I spend 9 hours of my dailies at the workplace, and he happens to be there. I feel watched everyday, and that every move i make counts for something. Are we suppose to talk and still hang out on lunches? like nothings happened. Or am i suppose to act aloof and stay away to validate this event? that would pain me. I wanna be able to co-exist with him, but at the same time I don't wanna be expected to act a certain way when he's around. And most importantly-- I AM IN DIRE NEED OF SPACE. But when I do that, when I try to stay away and focus on my work, I see him with this sad-hurt-look on his face and it eats me up inside. I could've written the word "guilty" all over my forehead.
I can't commit. I can't get into something where everything is comfortable and stable- that scares me. And in a psycho-sick-way i think i do get myself involved in relationships i know are bound to end from the start. Either that or I run away when things gets too serious, or too "good" fot that matter. Carrie much? Well, this is the drama of my life. The climax and the plot? It's not exactly sex and the city. It's less fun, and more mind-boggling. I'm stuck on a loop: a viscous one.
flashback.
Say for example, let's try to go a few pages back-- I was dating this guy 2 years ago.. we went on and off for almost a year. Right at the beginning this relationship was a goner for me- I knew he was serious right from the start. I remember this one incident at that time, when everything between us was pretty much new.. he invited me over to his place for dinner with his friends..
"It's just my closest friends, I just want you to meet them" he says.
So he picked me up, we arrived at his front door.. and almost 20 smiling faces awaits! (some people from his office were also there). We worked our way to the living room where all these people were looking at me, and with big-wondering eyes-- "Siya ba si monique? kaya pala ha.." a few whisphers and compliments here and there (i mean don't get me wrong, i liked all of them- and i was overwhelmed and flattered with all the attention).. I was sitting in the middle of the room feeling like an unwrapped birthday present waiting to be opened.. in my head-- I was thinking:
Please don't be asking me questions like- "kelan pa naging kayo?", "anong nagustuhan mo kay _____?" or even worst (and i prayed hard that nobody would even dare ask this question)- "anong theme song nyo?" please god please.
Prayers granted. They're cool. They basically just tried to humiliate him by telling me some of his unforgettable high school and pre-adoloscent stories.
I was just beginning to enjoy my time, when his MOM appeared out of nowhere and started serving us dinner.. "Oh Monique, this my mum pala.." as he looked back at her with a grin. I on the other hand, pasted the widest most mabait angelic smile on my face, the one i have practiced infront of the mirror for years (specially made for moments like this), while trying to disguise my shock and freaked-out-look at the same time. ang hirap nu'n ha!
Seriously, before i even got to finish my food. My commitment-phobe-nerves got the better of me. I looked around, saw how i was surrounded by all of his closest friends.. the fact that I already was introduced to his mom, which for me was too early in the relationship. There wasn't even a relationship yet to begin with. I know it is and has been a "filipino custom" to introduce the guy before or when he makes you ligaw.. but if you haven't figured out by now, i'm not very traditional. I ONLY intoduce a guy to my parents when I am certain that HE IS (don't worry i'm not gonna make you puke by saying "the one"), let's just say unless i'm somehow sure I wanna hold on to that one. Which rarely, almost never happens.
It hit me- i'm the girlfriend here. All this people think I'm his girlfriend now. I'm in a relationship? I am sucked right at the bosom of the most important people in his life. So i freaked out... and felt my air passage tighten. I literally could not breathe! Kidding? not. I stood up and walked my way out of the door.. i went to this sari-sari store near his house, bought myself a yosi and tried to suck and breathe the air out of me. Smoke in, smoke out. He of course had followed me outside, and asked me what was wrong..
"Wala lang." I shrugged. "So i'm your girlfriend na pala, i didn't know. " He had this embarassed-as-if-to-blush-smile on his face. - "Eh, you know how it is.. people assume" Hell yeah, if you introduce me to your mother infront of everyone else, EVEN I THOUGHT i was your girlfriend for a second there!
We tried to hold on to it. But for almost a year, he never did got me to commit. Until he gave it up. He no longer had the strength to try and pull me into the reality of how a real relationship is and should be. I'd always back off and run away. But it all turned out well.. we ended up friends (that's a department i'm certainly good at). Being the one person who knows me best, relationship-wise (or should i say the lack of it).. I now run to him for advice, or when i just need his help to try and rationalize my complex, out-of-this-world thoughts about dating and everything that goes with it.
here's the review.
Let's sit back, relax, and blame my parents shall we? There is no way I couldn't have done this to myself right? This MUST be some psychological result from childhood.. something I brought with me as a souvenier from "dysfunctional family land".
Right now, after yet another failed attempt.. i have to again work my way out and head to the door. I'm guilty of so many things. I know it's unfair and selfish of me to even start something i know deep down i'm not gonna be able to finish.. knowing what my problem is, why do I even bother?
It's the drama. I live for it.
