My knight in shining armor rode a camel.

For as long as I can remember, I always wished I’d meet someone- just like in the movies – someone who’d sweep me off my feet and knock my socks off. The kind of infatuation that’s got such an intensity, it will shake the core of my inhibitions and unlock all of my fantasies, the kind of love that will take me to the highest highs and the lowest of lows. However, I grew up in a family of very independent, strong-willed women with not much successful love stories to impart me with, other than how to handle men. So I went along tucking my girly wishes away. I was an undercover hopeless romantic (full-time), a modern day damsel in distress secretly wanting to find a man stronger than I am, hoping he’d unravel the “Stepford wife” in me. They say if you want something so bad, you just have to dream… and the universe will conspire to give you what you desire immensely. This was my dream. Maybe because I watched too many fairy tales as a young girl, or it could be the fact that I played with my Barbie until I was 13. So daydream I did, for most of my adolescent years… well, luckily or sometimes unfortunately, the universe had been so generous with me. I was open and finally, lightning did strike.

I remember coming home January 9th 2007, after my first trip to Dubai feeling so alive. I had a window seat at the farthest end of the plane, there was a delay of about an hour before the plane took off and I sat there with this sheepish smile on my face; I was ecstatically happy, for the first time in my life knowing exactly what I wanted to do, and wanting everything in my power to fulfill it. I came home to my empty apartment, feeling like I’ve lived an empty life. I went on my dailies, grueling work hours, brunches here, a few cocktails there and it just never felt the same. I was not the same. My heart was somewhere else, and everyday just signified a day away from the new life awaiting me. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I threw caution to the wind, quit my job, sold half of my closet, announced to my family I’m moving to Dubai, and bid my dearest of friends goodbye. No one could stop me, I was so certain, so determined, using the metaphorical phrase “I jumped” or “took the plunge” would not suffice, I’d have to say, “I flew”! I figured fate had done its job, and it was my turn to chase after the probability of the grandest love of my life. And it was… everything I expected and more.

A love that taught me well.

I believe that we are only entitled to one great love in our lives. Now I know why they say it’s usually the first time, although not literally your first boyfriend, but rather the first time you love truly… which is in most cases, the one that caused you the greatest amount of pain. The first time we experience that kind of love, the kind that extends us; changes us and doesn’t leave us quite the same. The kind that goes on, like it was the first day, the first kiss, the first moment… even if it has ended long ago. When you wake up and realize that you genuinely care for someone else’s well being, wanting to nurture someone else’s needs. Maybe it’s just me; maybe unselfishly loving someone didn’t come naturally to me. It was always about what I can get, out of my relationships. And for the first time, I woke up everyday, thinking of what I can give. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and I thought, “So this is what it’s like. I’ve become a woman, and this is the man I would like to stand and care for, despite and in spite of...” I watched myself turn into the person I wanted to be: The kind that forgives despite tremendous pain, the kind that overlooks flaws, lovingly submits to faults, the kind that continues to love despite having spent endless nights lying in bed praying for my heartache to end. I realized so many things about myself, things I never thought I could be, but rather was surprisingly capable of being. And for the first time in my life, I was content - the one fulfillment I have never experienced.

The heart is incredibly resilient.

But my fulfillment didn’t last. And it took me painstakingly long to figure out why. After crying my eyes out for months on end, and drowning myself in regrets until I stunk (quite literally). The answers came to me, like Picasso’s grand masterpiece; in patches - something you’ll never figure out if you look too closely, but instead you’d have to take a few steps back to understand the whole picture. Other than the most obvious reasons, I was mainly so intent on keeping my dream fulfilled I kept on his trail without having realized, we were not headed towards the same destination all along. As I happily witnessed myself turn into something I’ve always dreamed of, I completely disregarded the person I was before. Almost like learning how to skate, finding out you’re quite excellent at it and willingly having both your arms chopped off, in exchange of keeping this new found talent (I’m quite good with metaphor eh?). Well, now that I know I can rock the rink, I’m keeping my body parts intact.

“Love is patient; love is kind and envies no one. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; never selfish, not quick to take offense. There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, and endurance." It does not bind. Its not supposed to scar you for life, cripple you or disable you. Instead it’s supposed to fill your heart, to a point that it brings you in utter awe at how capable you are of giving more without apparent gain. I may not feel the same intensity again, I may not have my socks knocked off the second time around, or maybe I will never again attempt to fly on cliffs. Still I vow to always love like it’s the first time. I can only improve on myself, but I cannot change the way I’m built. I found who I am from the inside, and I am built to love this way… without precautions. I learned how to give, and now I know how to love genuinely; that makes all the difference.

Love is as love does.

You do get what you give in return. I would like to think I paid my dues. I pray that I have given back, enough to be granted a clean slate. I learned my lesson, and what a consequence it was. In return, I became so much more. I have become an optimist, and even more unafraid. Fate is smarter than I am, it doesn’t take the day off or long lunch breaks, its job is never done. No matter how I try to steer the wheel, the road always takes me in another direction. I may chase after the things I want, take great risks, and get a firm grip on opportunities, but I have come to my senses; that the course of my life will always be bigger than I am. And that happiness is not something you go after, it’s something you should have with you in the first place, before embarking on any journey.

So despite experiencing the lowest of lows and having the most difficult of times, I think back with the deepest sigh in my heart. I loved. Without limits, without boundaries, even without reasoning, it was just I, and my heart alone. It was the most liberating experience in my life. And I highly recommend it to you.