It was the summer of this year, he was on his last few classes before graduation.. and I, was fresh out of yet another discerning attempt on relationship. He lived only a couple of blocks away from my house, and we have shared summer afternoons and long talks late at night. He was caught on a stagnant relationship while I was still haunted by my recent dating-dilemma. We became friends. We'd talk about anything under the sun, we'd chill in the park like two grown-up kids laughing by the swing, and we'd stare up the sky at night as we feed ourselves with cigarette packs.. (sounds like a scene from a cheesy tagalog movie!) things were 'steady' as can be. I don't think I ever really understood that word up until that time. I have never felt emotionally comforted and stable, it was all i needed.. at that moment. He fell in love with me. I don't think i ever knew love in it's purest sense.. i never knew the kind of love he has shown-- the kind so distinctly real, so unafraid, and certain. He ended his current relationship to try and begin something new with me-- He filled me with the simple joys of that friendship can bring, and wrote me poems so true within each and every word. But in my heart, I knew I was about to run away. I was guilty. Of once again, taking what i needed and running away giving nothing in return. But he had known all this, he was taking the risk and knows exactly how to go about it being the friend who had come to know me well. It scared me more. And at the same time I was at a point in my life where i felt i needed more than what love can bring.. I was too afraid to stay still and get caught in a moment, i ended up in desperate need for diversion -- i chased dreams. I had set him aside, thinking he'll forever be there if and when the time comes.. like he promised.
But things had become difficult with us.. it made him very insecure. It had not been a part of the plan but I started seeing someone else.. I longed for the euphoria of everything exciting and new in my life. And everything was-- new job, new friends, new guy.. I kept moving on so fast, unintentionally leaving him behind as i showered myself with more and more reasons to keep going. In the process.. I left him scarred. I gambled to my hearts content.. and in the end, i lost.
I lost the only guy i trully fell for. One day, i stopped to look back.. as i bravely took the chance to reflect on what have been and what currently is-- unaware of it all this time, i felt love. I felt love while thinking back on summer days, tears came when i had once again read the poems he wrote-- every word stuck and left a big lump on my throat, of how selfish i was and of how hurt he had been. I cried. It's been 6 months.. it took me that long. I missed him. I was in love and i denied myself of it. I had hurt him. After this realization, with not one clue about love.. i did something he would do..
I told him. I confessed how i truly feel, i told him i love him.. and that i was certain. I wanted him to know. I wanted him back. I never knew love the way i had with him. Nothing came to me like this. Most people get into relationships unsure of how they feel.. i got out of this one and came back as definite as i can be. There was no doubt in my heart, no second thoughts in my head, i let it all out.. i cried even before the words came out of my mouth. I was in shame and guilt, and i wanted nothing more than to bring him back and make things better.. but it was all too late. He had moved on. He has found himself somebody who loves him back, who had made him feel wanted.
My heart soaked in regrets.
