i wanna come home
hiatus (a long one)
once again i'm relying on blog theraphy. for some reason this transition had not been easy at all, but i gotta give myself credit, for i don't think anyone could have gone through so much change as well as life-altering decisions as i have in a span of four months.. and still be able to put her dancing shoes on.
i'm in a totally different place in my life than i thought i would be at 23, both literally and figuratively speaking. if this was a reality tv show, the title "ambush makeover" would fit it perfectly. honestly, my therapeutic need to share this whole experience, to write it down like i used to- gather my thoughts, put them in words, and psycho-analyze myself after this whole writing process.. scares the shit out of me. hence, my blogging-hiatus. first of all, i feel like i can no longer speak freely since i had put this blog 'out there' and people i know in real life actually reads this.. second, well.. that's just about it. i'm in a completely different phase that at times i just feel like no one could possibly relate. scared shit to be judged, stereotyped, and scrutinized by the very people i love and whose opinions mean the world to me.. i just deal. with only a cigarette in hand (my faithful companion, who gives me unconditional love) i walked on blindfolded.. to a path so surreal yet realistictly excruciating at the same time.
it was last december when i finally moved out. i said goodbye to our house, my home, my family.. and my old life. it had not been a good transition. this society has brought us up in such a constraint way that if one decides to live life on her own, with or without her parent's concent or approval, she's deemed lewd, selfish and ungrateful. i was blistered with so much guilt that i seriously considered seeking professional help by counselling in order for me to move on. i've been held back for so long, i was desperate for an escape.. it was time to do things on my own. i told myself, I will no longer live another day and have somebody else to blame for the decisions i made. it's just me from now on.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
new year came to me in bare anticipation. like faded hope of a withering soul. after my first christmas without my family, i thought things would only get worst and i was definitely not looking forward to my nearing birthday. i was blamed for a lot of things, one for each heartache and one for the unrepairable strife i had caused. and i took it all in, i knew i was to blame. the pain of having to start to live each day without the people you've drawn love and support from all your life was just as painful as mourning for a loved one's loss, (in my case make that five). i grieved at the thought of not waking up beside my baby brother again, not hearing him laugh every morning, the last memory of my sunday dinner with the whole family, no longer having a sister to share late night stories with, and losing the best support team any aspiring girl could have (my stepdad, my uncle and my dad). but i had to make that decision.. in order not to lose myself.
"FAR BETTER IS TO DARE MIGHTY THINGS. TO WIN GLORIOUS TRIUMPHS, EVEN THOUGH CHECKERED BY FAILURE. RATHER THAN RANK WITH THOSE POOR SPIRITS WHO NEITHER SUFFER MUCH, NOR ENJOY MUCH-- FOR THEY LIVE IN THE GREAT TWILIGHT THAT KNOWS NEITHER VICTORY NOR DEFEAT..."
this was shared to me by a good friend.. of how she was afraid to take risks. i read this line, and i take pride that i'm not-- that i take risks in life. that i have come into terms with myself about making mistakes, about learning from them, and making peace with unsolicited regrets. i have accepted the fact that most people would not understand my decisions. that most people would rather believe gossips, would rather rely on their suspicions, and would be so quick to judge as if they know what it's like to be me. ultimately, you want somebody who's on your team, whom you feel you can face the world with. and when you find people who truly understand you, you can't have anything less than that- and despite losing a dozen friends, and a whole family of five.. i have gained exactly just that- a few people i can count on. a few people who understands. a few people i can trust.. it was all that i needed.
champagne kisses.. caviar dreams
this new life has taken me in all directions. i feel like a new born child, awakened to both learn and explore. there's so much about the world i have yet to discover, so much about life i have yet to experience. my job has allowed me to grow both professionally, and as an individual going through major changes in life. i realized you'll never really know what it is you want in life unless you've seen what's out there.
in such a short time this opportunity has allowed me to travel to two countries and 5 different cities-- and even though a huge part of me is grieving, another part of me had never felt more alive. i never knew that traveling could be such great form of spiritual awakening, both of the mind and soul. i took the moment of being in an unfamiliar place a time to reflect and re-asses, of what it is in my life that really matters and what importance is that to the world. and the answer i found was-- me. what matters in my life is me-- as long as i keep an open mind about things, as long as i can put my life in perspective, as long as i don't let anyone's negativity bother me, and most importantly, as long as i don't cast judgement on others.. then i am happy. it feels good to be freed from all this.. and the endless possibilities of what i can do for the future and the wisdom that i can impart on my future kids had been the will that kept me going.
home is where the heart is. i'm getting there.
once again i'm relying on blog theraphy. for some reason this transition had not been easy at all, but i gotta give myself credit, for i don't think anyone could have gone through so much change as well as life-altering decisions as i have in a span of four months.. and still be able to put her dancing shoes on.i'm in a totally different place in my life than i thought i would be at 23, both literally and figuratively speaking. if this was a reality tv show, the title "ambush makeover" would fit it perfectly. honestly, my therapeutic need to share this whole experience, to write it down like i used to- gather my thoughts, put them in words, and psycho-analyze myself after this whole writing process.. scares the shit out of me. hence, my blogging-hiatus. first of all, i feel like i can no longer speak freely since i had put this blog 'out there' and people i know in real life actually reads this.. second, well.. that's just about it. i'm in a completely different phase that at times i just feel like no one could possibly relate. scared shit to be judged, stereotyped, and scrutinized by the very people i love and whose opinions mean the world to me.. i just deal. with only a cigarette in hand (my faithful companion, who gives me unconditional love) i walked on blindfolded.. to a path so surreal yet realistictly excruciating at the same time.
it was last december when i finally moved out. i said goodbye to our house, my home, my family.. and my old life. it had not been a good transition. this society has brought us up in such a constraint way that if one decides to live life on her own, with or without her parent's concent or approval, she's deemed lewd, selfish and ungrateful. i was blistered with so much guilt that i seriously considered seeking professional help by counselling in order for me to move on. i've been held back for so long, i was desperate for an escape.. it was time to do things on my own. i told myself, I will no longer live another day and have somebody else to blame for the decisions i made. it's just me from now on.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
new year came to me in bare anticipation. like faded hope of a withering soul. after my first christmas without my family, i thought things would only get worst and i was definitely not looking forward to my nearing birthday. i was blamed for a lot of things, one for each heartache and one for the unrepairable strife i had caused. and i took it all in, i knew i was to blame. the pain of having to start to live each day without the people you've drawn love and support from all your life was just as painful as mourning for a loved one's loss, (in my case make that five). i grieved at the thought of not waking up beside my baby brother again, not hearing him laugh every morning, the last memory of my sunday dinner with the whole family, no longer having a sister to share late night stories with, and losing the best support team any aspiring girl could have (my stepdad, my uncle and my dad). but i had to make that decision.. in order not to lose myself.
"FAR BETTER IS TO DARE MIGHTY THINGS. TO WIN GLORIOUS TRIUMPHS, EVEN THOUGH CHECKERED BY FAILURE. RATHER THAN RANK WITH THOSE POOR SPIRITS WHO NEITHER SUFFER MUCH, NOR ENJOY MUCH-- FOR THEY LIVE IN THE GREAT TWILIGHT THAT KNOWS NEITHER VICTORY NOR DEFEAT..."
this was shared to me by a good friend.. of how she was afraid to take risks. i read this line, and i take pride that i'm not-- that i take risks in life. that i have come into terms with myself about making mistakes, about learning from them, and making peace with unsolicited regrets. i have accepted the fact that most people would not understand my decisions. that most people would rather believe gossips, would rather rely on their suspicions, and would be so quick to judge as if they know what it's like to be me. ultimately, you want somebody who's on your team, whom you feel you can face the world with. and when you find people who truly understand you, you can't have anything less than that- and despite losing a dozen friends, and a whole family of five.. i have gained exactly just that- a few people i can count on. a few people who understands. a few people i can trust.. it was all that i needed.
champagne kisses.. caviar dreams
this new life has taken me in all directions. i feel like a new born child, awakened to both learn and explore. there's so much about the world i have yet to discover, so much about life i have yet to experience. my job has allowed me to grow both professionally, and as an individual going through major changes in life. i realized you'll never really know what it is you want in life unless you've seen what's out there.
in such a short time this opportunity has allowed me to travel to two countries and 5 different cities-- and even though a huge part of me is grieving, another part of me had never felt more alive. i never knew that traveling could be such great form of spiritual awakening, both of the mind and soul. i took the moment of being in an unfamiliar place a time to reflect and re-asses, of what it is in my life that really matters and what importance is that to the world. and the answer i found was-- me. what matters in my life is me-- as long as i keep an open mind about things, as long as i can put my life in perspective, as long as i don't let anyone's negativity bother me, and most importantly, as long as i don't cast judgement on others.. then i am happy. it feels good to be freed from all this.. and the endless possibilities of what i can do for the future and the wisdom that i can impart on my future kids had been the will that kept me going.
home is where the heart is. i'm getting there.
monique♥ 9:56 am
