girl, a journey that was.

My big thank you's: I sooo love people who have dearly touched my life like my best friend **ariane** who always manages to make some sense out of my erratic and sometimes out-of-this-world thinking/behavior, how one phone call brings me back to reality when i seem to have been lost in "drama land" once again, trapped and weaved in analytical thoughts, or have i overdosed in self-involvement. the first person i call in whatever ordeal i maybe in at any given time, the kind of friend who listens: my own personal shrink! my admiration she has won time and time again... my preacher, my listener, my coffee buddy, from playing house and barbie dolls to rooftops and trips to batangas, from old songs to childhood dreams, to starbucks to sbc to monk's to merks to every jazz bar in town... the girlfriend i can sing my heart to and get "soul-drunk" in deep thoughts with, my home base: the person who reminds me of who i truly am, where i've been, to where life has taken me now, my heart, mind, and soul doctor! (literally) the one friend i truly cannot live without :) there's my gimmick and booty-shakin' girlfriend **lamae**, my true reminder of how "everyday hangover" was like. wednesday, thursday and friday nights, sausage weeknights, from porch to wherelse to porch to clubv to porch to pravda to porch to ccw.. from sanmig light to kurant, bad burn, boy bastos, from fashion show rehearsals to dreadful go-sees to sneaking out of my dad's condo and late night cabs to 6am ride home, from chinese boys to yuppies to dj's to some we wish we never met ;) the friend whom i spent the turning point of my life with: those endless nights of dancing to our hearts content and freeing ourselves from inhibitions that restricts us to live our young intoxicated lives to the fullest... feeling every heartache, running away from dysfunctional-fam-despair, living like we'll forever be 19 & 21, embracing what's ahead of us with a beer in hand (a kurant7 in mine)... knowing that in time we'll get there (a.k.a the real world).. and look at us now babe, so fab we did! onto the lighter side of things, my girlfriend **drakery** the best shopping buddy! finally i had found somebody who has the same passion and utmost clinical habits for shopping like me, or shall i say maybe even worst and more sinful ;) trips to shang to powerplant to the tiangge has never been quite the same.. i have someone to share guilt with and nevertheless the best second opinion ever. shoe-fitting to rading books, chatting, confiding and giving advices in between, ravishing on mocha fraps before driving home... it's all therapeutic ;) now ending up broke has never felt this good.

how my single life would have been left as nothing but a meaningless series of bad dates and sour-relationship-attempts, if i had not found the love i had long waited for.. my friend, my smoking buddy, my steady, my prince **jp** the one guy who has successfully brought me out of my commitment-phobe (romance proof) shell :) they say, you fear what you don't know.. i knew nothing of love; of falling and letting go, of giving in and of compromise.. it's amazing what friendship and love combined can bring, that not even the sweetest of words or the most endearing of prose can make me describe where i am with him right now.. this journey led me to his arms.. and to my dearest of friends who's all been a part of it, thank you, thank you, thank you! :D

1 of 1,001

I had started writing a journal since I was 12. I remember how easy it was for me to write down the deepest of my thoughts from the darkest chambers of my voiceless opinions, unlock all of my emotions, and effortlessly capture them in words. All I needed was a pen and paper... and they are freed. My shelves had been filled with deserted pages of my past. It was so easy then… I wonder why (even at this very moment) I am struggling… with sentences I can’t finish and words I can’t find. Thoughts are scattered in my head, where they once used to flow relentlessly in synch… have I let it all out?

Ten years ago, at the age when I was neither a kid nor a grown-up; I was trapped in a life where I ‘have to’ constantly understand. My head was filled with a thousand and one questions... as my heart was in constant despair. I wanted to grow-up and be able to pierce into the minds of the people I look up to, what I’d give to live a day in reality… the one they’re in. I wanted it fast. I was tired of being brushed-off; lying on the grounds of my young years and incapability. I felt such a strong need to cope-- I had wanted so much to know. At a time where parents’ sugar-coat the bitterness of truth, my goal was to unveil.

Question is: Now that I have. Now that I know and fully understand my parents and the lives they live… what’s next? Of whose life should be pondered?
The only answer: mine.

I don't know where to begin. I have certainly lived these past years thoughtless (and… well, intoxicated). Savoring every first-time experience-- and now that I have, now that the party’s almost over… equipped with faint childhood dreams, mind-recorded phrases from my lolo & lola paired with deep-seeded values, and with my parents mistakes as guidelines… I’ll walk on the path I certainly have anticipated in all of my growing years--
MY LIFE.

a re-match: right vs. wrong.

I feed on freedom.. if not physically, mentally. I have the right to be wrong. I don't dwell on what people might think or say about me- I know who I am. I'm too often judged and stereotyped, but I realized as long as I'm myself at heart, and that in my honest reasoning I am right.. then I am.


There had always been this constant battle that silently resides in me. Over the years it grew… crossing one boundary over the other each time. Shouldn’t the word ‘right’ be a relative term? Depending on what situation, matters of contradicting opinions regarding the origin of circumstances, and of one’s life acted upon? How do you set boundaries on religion, culture… and the state of mind?

In silence I question. I am torn between my religious duties; of what society perceives to be acceptable… and my growing hunger to live a life free of it.