job interviews and a bad hair day.

The goal.

Success, the big house, the big dream, the idyllic marriage… the good life- We have been raised in a value system that emphasizes achievement (well most of us I’d like to think). Peer pressure keeps the goal always before us, the media, society, and… well, in my case- my family emphasizes and re-emphasizes it. Work hard to “make it” as they often say. Aspirations of being financially independent rise, to seek freedom and live our own lives… and when we can't achieve them right away- anxiety sets in.

I'm only 22 and already I feel like I’m running out of time. Why is that? I was told that I shouldn’t feel like any career decision I make is irrevocable; that I have the time (although I may not feel like I do) to experiment and make mistakes. However, it seems like waiting around to fill out my options and taking time to find out what field interests me, makes me feel like somehow I am wasting it. This shift in career path had not been easy at all. I have been so picky with these job opportunities now; it’s ridiculous when I think of other people who wouldn’t pass up a chance.

The interviews.

I lost count on how many job interviews I’ve had, and to sum up the five months that had gone by since I quit my first job, I’d say around 8 to 10. I think my nerves retired on the 3rd. I have perfected what to say and what not, how and when to say it, when to ask, what to wear... I have three versions of my resume all depending on the job industry and qualifications. I am job interview savvy, I can probably be hired to coach people! As much as I want to just take the easy route, jump on the bandwagon and earn money fast, I have vowed not to. Instead I find myself struggling to get into the industry where my lack of experience & education is often questioned. I’m starting from scratch, as a gumshoe for all I care. All I know is I want to start somewhere… where I’ll love what I do.

It hasn't been easy... not easy at all.

Anxiety it is. You know…waiting for the call, wanting the call, anticipating… finally when you do and you get yourself out there… you don’t get a call back. Then you ask yourself (and your girlfriends) Why? Was it something I said? What I wore? My hair? When you thought everything went so well… it was perfect! So what went wrong?

Whoa… this totally reminds me of dating… *snide*

Darn. I really thought I had found the perfect job. I was so damn close.

The mistakes.

Speaking of which (waste and all), I had a haircut last week (an attempt to make myself feel better) and I was so not happy with it. I don’t know if I was just too frustrated and I took it out on my hair… I guess I was coz I ended up chopping off my bangs! Argh. Mr. fab queer eye who did my hair will go ballistic when he sees what I’ve done with his work. I look funny retarded.

so retarded.

The lesson.

Where are you heading? How are you getting there? What do you really want most out of life? Before you rush to answer these questions… think about yourself and what you want. Now try to accept the fact that it often takes a lot of time, work and patience to become the person you want to be...

I have time and again had this conversation with myself… with my father’s voice resounding in my head. I learned that we cannot come to terms with ourselves by seeking instant gratification- I most certainly grew up this way; or by daydreaming and scrambling for shortcuts. We must learn, sometimes painfully, that happiness is a by-product of a useful disciplined life, of solid achievement, and of carefully nurtured, and enduring personal relationships.

I'll keep that in mind.